"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
So this blog update will be totally out of context for those of you who are not caught up on my social life (and you shouldn’t, it isn’t that interesting).
So as some of you might know, I broke up with my ex-gf around Valentine’s Day this year (I think it was the 15th or so). The decision didn’t come easy. I’ve deliberated on it for weeks and weighed every factor. Both decision path had its ups and downs and it came really close. Ultimately though, I had to end it. This wasn’t because I got bored of her. Not at all. We’ve barely dated for 2 months. We had so much in common; we were both in the same majors, both liked anime and weird Japanese things, both liked the same food, etc etc. I really did love her. No wait, I still do. It really is a shame how we’re trying to avoid contact with one another when it’s a guaranteed that we’ll be taking the same courses for the next 2 years. Every time I see her at school or in class, I have flashes of our memories of when we were together and happy. it really kills me inside every time we walk past one another and look the other way without saying a word. But alas….
I had to do it. I had to end it. My sanity was starting to crumble. No joke. I realized about a month in that I am just not mentally mature enough to be involved in a serious relationship. In Layman’s term, things got “too real too quickly”. I couldn’t handle the stress of balancing her needs with mine. I’ve only had to worry about myself and my needs previously. With the addition of another load onto my almost maxed out mental capacity, I was “borrowing” capacity. I’m not exactly sure how I should word this. I’m not a very good wordsmith. I just hope that you can relate. I was drained of my mental stamina by the 1 month mark. It was hard to be sociable and suppress all the nastiness deep inside. I was selfish. I really really was. I was conflicted between wanting what’s best for her and wanting what’s best for me; mostly because we weren’t exactly compatible. She and I came from completely opposite walks of life. I tried to assimilate and made it work. But my upbringings made it impossible to do so. She and I were on opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to our opinions. Me being the person that I am, I would try to not argue with her whenever there were tension between us. In retrospect, I should’ve just let it happen. I was misguided. I now realize that conflict brings about peace…..eventually. Still, if it weren’t for the difference in opinions, it was the peers she was with. Their friends did their best to “accommodate” me into their group. I can see the effort. However, it was really ineffective. I still felt like the outsider and they were putting up with me because I was dating her. It was reminiscent of the same situation I got myself into during my senior year in high school. I just can’t fit in anywhere. I’ve only got myself to blame. I just cannot stand to be “changed” from who I am. Some might see that as a good thing. I do not. I’m becoming conservative and less open to change. It disgusts me. I got used to some type of “status-quo” way of life and is too comfortable to change.
The actual breakup was especially painful. I felt like I caught her off guard. She was completely oblivious of my disdain. That’s how good I was at fronting. Maybe that’s all I am. A mime. Feigning peace while internal conflicts consume me from the inside out. She said it was unfair. I agree. I should have talked to her about our problems. I didn’t though. I didn’t want her to change herself for my sake. I know for a fact that she would’ve change for me. I didn’t want that. I was afraid she’d become someone else and not the person I fell in love with. I don’t know. It was misguided, that notion. It’s completely romantic. That’s problematic. Reality is cruel and will never let you have it your way completely. I couldn’t really do anything about how I felt though. I really needed to break it up; both for my sake and hers. I felt that if I let it go any longer, I’d explode and commit a mistake I’d end up regretting for the rest of my life. I felt like a danger to her. Like a nuclear bomb underneath a 0.0001mm coating of lead. Any slight disturbance could’ve cause me to react. I didn’t want that for her. I had to isolate myself from her if I were to ensure her safety (and mine for that matter). It hurts so much.
Hearing about how much she is desired in the Aero department amongst the thirsty guys, it really made me reconsider my decision.
Right now, I can only see all the good that she’s brought to me. I know there were a lot of bad too. But I fail to see those at the moment. Everyone is lusting after her and it really humors me when they try to formulate plans to approach her. They don’t know her. They think she’s an easy pawn to be dominated by their masculine and testosterone-induced fervor. I know better. She’s complicated and not at all as easy as how she allegedly appear. All girls are like that for that matter. These guys does not know that. And I pity them. They don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. It’s only when I was chosen that I realized how I was in over my head. I was playing a dangerous game. A game in which I barely got out alive (figuratively, I’m perfectly healthy btw).
I know I made the right choice. I still love her. And always will. However, it just isn’t meant to be. I really hope she find her prince charming and be happy with him. I was a false beacon and am truly sorry I deceived her. No amount of apology will ever reparate her disappointment and sadness. But I can only try. I’ll look out for her. That’s the best I can do at this point.
In an attempt to battle my OCD, I set an allotted time of 30 minutes for today’s drawing. Needless to say, it’s getting better. All original, not copied. Although some proportions are wacky. She’s a tad bit “chubby” compared to what I had in mind…but there you go. 30 minutes.
NInja Edit: Also her hands look like claws because I suck. She has no feet because I suck. Need to stop sucking. That is all.
So yeah. I can copy pretty well now. That’s for certain. Although the OCD kicks in quite often and distracts me on trivial details. Need to work on that. In the mean time, enjoy!
Took forever to get the body positioning right…although I’m still not satisfied with it. It looks more like a scene now though compared to yesterday. More work will be done for the days to come. Need to learn how to draw hands..
Day 7. Skipped day 6 because I wasn’t feel it. Turns out it was a bad idea. This is nothing more than a positioning diagram of what I want to draw. Brainstorming on paper if you will. yeah sorry for the plummeting quality. It’ll be a WIP update from now on with occasional unrelated spiel.