So usually I don’t blog much on Tumblr because there isn’t anything worthwhile to write a blog about. Ever since I started using Tumblr, I vowed never to be a reblogging hoar. So far, I’m keeping the reblogging to a minimum; only ever reblogging things that I feel represents me in some sense. Anyhow, let’s get to the meat and potatoes.
Yeah, I’m restarting the quitting PMO blog. I’ve tried so many methods of quitting PMO such as using counters, reddit, excel spreadsheet counting, etc. I’m sticking to Tumblr updates from now on. Somehow, I always seem to throw all the progress away when things get too intense. It took a while but I finally realized the real culprit to my failures. It’s the fucking internet. Seriously. It’s way too big and there are too many routeways that one can take to view the “stuff”. It always starts with me surfing something non-P related and the comments would have something peculiar. Eventually, the breadcrumb trails end at a site and at the point I’m pretty much done with. Relapsing happens and the shit feeling follows quickly afterwards.
"Why? Why do you keep doing this? To what avail do you hope to achieve by doing this? You’re only hurting yourself." It fucking sucks. The voice of reason is always muffled away in my time of need and it comes back once I’m wounded and bruised. I have to fight it. I’m slowly becoming the very people that I despise the most. Who you might ask? LAZY and COMPLACENT people. People that blames others for their shortcomings. People that accept their fate and let their life be easily swayed by their circumstances. People that have many doors opened to them but instead of going through the doors they would rather admire the doorknob at how shiny it looks gleaming in the sunlight.
Please. I hate myself. The current me. The me that make mental plans on how to be productive but does not follow up and just sleep/watch YT videos all day. Enough is enough. I am so damn tired of not being in control of my life. It isn’t me who’s suffering either. It’s my mom. I’m all she’s got and I don’t interact with her like I used to. It’s apparent that my warmth towards her hasn’t been as full as before. I’d say it’s at 48%. I care enough to not cause her trouble and make her sad, but not enough to go out of my way to make her happy. This can’t be right. I know it isn’t right.
I am feeling very stunted right now in term of my emotional development. Perhaps even stunted in my maturity. I have a huge suspicion that all this time, I’ve confused cynicism with maturity. I’ve let myself become so jaded that it is impossible for me to smile at someone without some internal monologue regarding my suspicion of them. Is this who I want to become? Some NEET that is suspicious of everyone? I already know the answer before asking that question. It was rhetorical. A re-emphasis if you will. I think I need to take a step back and do a complete disk de-fragmentation of myself. I’ve let myself become so jaded and corrupted. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t even feel alive. I feel like I’m just occupying a vessel. Everything feel so “out-of-body”.
So, as a result. I will do this to its entirety. I will give a rating system on how I’m feeling, my productivity, and whatever else I feel like including in my blog updates. They’ll be daily updates. Not all days will have equal content. Some will have more content than others. I’m done with being complacent and not taking control of my life. No matter how hard it gets, I have to fight it. It’s the only way I can be alive in my own skin. I will be severely reducing my time on the internet and the computer as a whole. I’ll only go on to check up on some anime and to play a few League games with friends. Oh and updating this of course. That’s the extent of it. I am so done with everything that’s gone wrong with my life due to being complacent.