1. PMO Free: Day 13 (Wow today was like a rollercoaster)

    Happiness: 47/100

    Urges: 80/100

    Productivity: 40/100

    Resolve: 87/100

    I had such a fluctuation of emotions today. When I was at the “peak” there were excess feelings of productivity and optimism. The “valley” composed of excess feelings of doubts and regrets. I had no idea the damage was this bad. On an overall scale, things are looking up. I am feeling more and more productive than previously. I’ve “figured out” what I want to spend the rest of the summer doing. I planned out this coming school year and even made a few plans afterwards. I want to go out and get stuff done. The feeling is there. It’s just going to take a little bit more time before my mind is rid of self-depreciating thoughts. Let’s talk about triggers. My god were there a lot of triggers today. I felt like I was on the brink of relapsing. It was intense. I was browsing the internet for too long and some stuff caught my attention. My curiosity was pique and before you know it, I was looking at some pretty nasty stuff. I’m not gonna say what because I’m ashamed of myself; but let’s just say it isn’t anything normal. Never again. It was really disgusting. I hate curiosity sometimes. Don’t you?

     
  2. did-you-kno:

    Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.

    Source

    He needed to keep a cool head if he were to write hot beats.

     

  3. PMO Free: Day 12 (The limitations are shedding)

    Happiness: 44/100

    Urges: 52/100

    Productivity: 70/100

    Resolve: 90/100

    It’s amazing what abstaining from PMO can do. With every passing day I feel like I can tackle more and more tasks. It feels great! When I was caught in the PMO cycle, I would down on myself. My self-esteem was in the negative. I hated myself. I thought I was worthless. Now however, I’m slowly becoming more and more productive. I haven’t had a single self-depreciating thought lately. Everything has either been neutral or happy thoughts. I’m really glad. The depression has subsided. It isn’t all gone, but it’s less now. It’s tamed. I can go out and do things with some form of optimism. That’s how less severe my depression has gotten.

     

  4. PMO Free: Day 11 (So unproductive today)

    Happiness: 42/100

    Urges: 42/100

    Productivity: 1/100

    Resolve: 86/100

    So today is just like yesterday; a day without any productivity. I have an excuse for this though. I was busy today helping mom run errands all day. I was going to re-organize my room and move some stuff around. It’s getting kinda messy. My thoughts have been unreliable as of late. I’m not sure if this is my brain re-wiring itself or something but I can’t really hold a thought long enough to recall it. I am however, feeling helpless. When I was caught in the PMO cycle, I would always feel so helpless of my situation. I accepted my fate and always left a lot of things up to chance. Well now I feel more in control of my destiny. I see how much I’ve fucked up in my high and now I’m trying my best to better myself and to fix the mess I’ve caused upon myself.

     

  5. PMO Free: Day 10 (Alone time is bad time)

    Happiness: 40/100

    Urges: 75/100

    Productivity: 0/100

    Resolve: 85/100

    I almost had a close call today. When I got home from work, my mom was out getting groceries and I had the place to myself. Now, whenever I was alone at home in the past, I would proceed to PMO. That was the thing. Total freedom. No one to interrupt. No one to hear the obscene stuff I was watching. It was utter “bliss”. The pathway that governed that action was struck up bright like a fluorescent light bulb. I almost faltered. For a few brief seconds I had considered relapsing. However, I reminded myself of my progress so far and that I am in this for the long run. I stopped in my tracks. Felt rather nice haha.

    Also, at work I was confused some Vietnamese ladies regarding my looks. They were talking to me in broken English until one of them saw that my name was Hai. Then they immediately conversed in Vietnamese with me. One of them told me she thought that I looked Korean. I’m not exactly sure what that meant but I’ll take it as a complement. Viet guys, on average, usually aren’t as pretty looking as Korean guys. My interpretation of it gave me a bit of a confidence boost. Also one of my co-workers said they would miss me if I were to quit. Another confidence booster. Today had been an all around good day. My work hour was cut short though due to management cutting hours. Not so good. But it’s whatevers. I’ve been making a habit of not letting every little thing bother me. I’m getting more and more contented with my life. My ambitions are slowly returning. It’s a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. This thing works. It really does. I love it.

     

  6. PMO Free: Day 9 (Today I whethered a storm)

    Happiness: 42/100

    Urges: 67/100

    Productivity: 90/100

    Resolve: 92/100

    I was tested multiple time today. I am happy to report that I am still on the path. The triggers were abundant today. The Anime Take Facebook page had to do a “Foxy Friday” event today where they would post provocative images of female anime characters onto Facebook. I was just scrolling FB as usual and every time I saw one of those NSFW posts I hesitated a bit. Each progressive post I would hesitate a bit more. Of course I got off the internet and did other stuff. I feel very “in my skin” today. I know the previous posts have been about the “in the skin” or “living in the moment” topic and I apologize for the monotony. It’s just that topic is what’s most prominent right now in my recovery. I feel more alive. I move and do with purpose. I feel less of an idle and more of a go-getter. Heck, I was especially productive today. I’m gonna try to incorporate coffee into my life and to try to condition my sleep schedule. I need to condition myself to be in tip top productive form for this coming school year. The workload will be tremendous. But I have a lot of friends that are doing the same thing I’m doing so everything should be okay as long as we communicate and cooperate.

     

  7. PMO Free: Day 8 (Feeling more and more like my old self, it’s great)

    Happiness: 40/100

    Urges: 27/100

    Productivity: 43/100

    Resolve: 90/100

    Man today was a relatively good day. Every day since my last PMO has been been great days. I didn’t get into a fight with mother today, which is always a huge plus in my book. I did some errands for her today. I’ve noticed that I waste a huge amount of time doing nothing when I’m off the computer though. I would eat, sleep, and watch YT videos on my iPad. So much for being disconnected from the internet lol. But at least the feelings of despair and worthlessness are slowly dissipating. Everything I do, I feel like I do it with purpose. I am feeling less brain dead and every day I feel more and more alive in my skin. I’m having more instances of purposefulness and I like it. I feel more alive. The urges today is less compared to that of yesterday. Resolve went up because I can feel this working. Although I haven’t done much, the fact that I went so many days without PMO is amazing. I can’t wait to see what type of person I’ll become in the months to come. Stay tuned!

     

  8. PMO Free: Day 7 (Triggers are popping up left and right)

    Happiness: 37/100

    Urges: 60/100

    Productivity: 40/100

    Resolve: 86/100

    So it’s been exactly a whole week since my last lap as a PMO addict. But no, I’m not gonna think of it like that. I’m gonna view it as only the beginning of my trek to freedom. These days are but droplets in a larger-than-life bucket.

    The urges are strong today. They’re not frequent, but they are strong when they happen. It’s not that bad though. I think I got a routine down whenever triggers appears. Speaking of triggers; geez I’m a sicko. I was reading a WWII memoir about an American GI escaping the Nazi POW camps and his encounters with the French resistance. Well, there was this one part where they were being escorted by children that are part of the French underground. There was a boy and a girl. They needed to cross a bridge but a German soldier was guarding it. The only way the GI would make it across the bridge is if the girl seduced the German soldier into the woods as a means of distracting him long enough for the GI to cross it. Her sacrifice was put in the book as a portrayal of the support the French had given to Allies troops. Well guess what? I was mildly turned on by the though of that poor French girl being raped by that German soldier. I am so ashamed of myself. I have let myself become so deluded and despicable that I would get off on her sacrifice and suffering. I really felt like giving myself a big punch in the face for even getting these thoughts. I hope one day I can genuinely be sympathetic to such events and not get some sick satisfaction from it because frankly, this isn’t how a civilized person should think. These impure thoughts. Conditioned from years of PMO. It’ll be a while, but I’ll get there. I have to. It sickens me. I hate myself because of it.

    P.S. I would never think of raping anybody or anything IRL. I still have that disconnect between fantasy and reality when it comes to rape as it pertains to my personal life.

     

  9. PMO Free: Day 6 (Starting to get difficult)

    Happiness: 35/100

    Urges: 40/100

    Productivity: 15/100

    Resolve: 85/100

    So the past 5 days have been a walk in the park when it comes to abstaining from PMO. I hadn’t experienced a lot of triggers; and when I did experience them, neutralizing them was an easy thing to do. Now however, I’m beginning to feel the struggle. The triggers come more frequently. The urges are becoming more potent. I’m still resolute in my goal of doing this thing. I have never been so sure of myself on anything before in my life. I really really want to achieve this. One day at a time. At the same time, i shouldn’t be counting the days. It makes it more and more difficult to go on. But so far, everything is still smooth sailing; albeit some bumps were experienced along the way.

    However, I am happy to report that  I feel more and more in sync with myself. It feels like my elements are slowly re-aligning and it just feels fantastic. It feels as if multiple sine functions of different frequencies are slowly tuning and converging into a single function. Lol, a bit of a nerdy comparison but that’s concisely how it feels. I like it very much :).

    image

     

  10. PMO Free: Day 5 (Shit, I O’d)

    Happiness: 36/100

    Urges: 17/100

    Productivity: 30/100

    Resolve: 90/100

    But it was involuntary :). Gotcha there didn’t I? Yeah weird, I had some strangely erotic dreams yesterday (Day 4) but I was able to control myself and prevented the O. However, last night it I just O’d and it wasn’t even anything remotely sexual. It was very bizarre. Oh wells, glad it was nothing serious. Although, I’m feeling a little under the weather. I think I must’ve gotten food poisoning or something because I feel nauseous and been holding back vomit for the entire day today. Went #2 twice already. What sucks is that I have work tomorrow. Ugh, I need to get better before then else I might have to call in sick. I’ve already called in sick previous due to an exercise related injury. I’ve been in bed most of the day today. It was not a good feeling. Hopefully I can just take some medicine tonight and be better tomorrow morning.

     

  11. PMO Free: Day 4 (Some nice time to myself)

    Happiness: 43/100

    Urges: 40/100

    Productivity: 22/100

    Resolve: 87/100

    So today marks day 4 of my escapade to mental freedom. Tbh, I’m feeling better with every passing day. I woke up later than the time I wanted to, but it’s okay. I was well rested and that’s all that matters. I stayed off the computer for the majority of the day (although I checked the iPad periodically for updates on stuff). I noticed how much free time there is when I’m not on the computer surfing my life away. It was nice. I managed to do some reading and even made some progress on my model airplane that I’ve been putting off.

    The urges are coming back now though. I’ve accidentally browsed some NSFW stuff and some minor triggers were going off. I knew better. I immediately stopped what I was doing and exited my room. I’m noticing that I’ve been quantifying my success so far and doing it with increase frequency. This was my downfall during my previous attempts. I get too cocky and before you know it, relapsed. No, I will not fall prey to that. I’m better than that.

     

  12. PMO Free: Day 3 (In,out and about)

    Happiness: 41/100

    Urges: 16/100

    Productivity: 20/100

    Resolve: 91/100

    I literally woke up early today. Granted I had work at 7AM but still. I wasn’t supper groggy or tired or anything. I woke up at 6AM and laid in bed for a bit to check up on the internet. Then I got up, brushed, and ate a bowl of cereal. I never “have the time” to eat a breakfast in the past. Now, I don’t know. Being up early feels good. It makes me feel productive. During work, I felt like I was slipping in and out of my consciousness. I don’t mean that I was on the verge of passing out. I mean that I was feeling like I was living my life and not on autopilot, albeit these moments are seldom. Still, this stuff is really working. I liked the feeling of being in my own skin and not just coasting by my life on autopilot. It felt nice. Hopefully I’ll be in complete control of my life eventually. Autopilot is not a good method to go through life. I’m trying really hard not to start quantifying being PMO-free because whenever I do that, I start making unrealistic projections and that just sets me up for failure. No, I’m just going to take this one day at a time. Blogging as I go. Yeah.

     

  13. PMO Free: Day 2 (A drop in the bucket)

    Happiness: 33/100

    Urges: 7/100

    Productivity: 40/100

    Resolve: 90/100

    So today was as usual as it can get. I woke up to the sound of my manager texting me to not go in for work today. Apparently they were cutting hours due to not meeting sales. Ugh. I hate corporate America sometimes. No biggie, I drove mum around to do groceries and as far as I can remember, I did not have any bouts with her. So that’s something. I took my usual naps but this time it was not as long. Ate three square meals instead of the usual two. So far everything seems to be on track. I started chapter 7 of my essentials Japanese book. I looked ahead in the intermediate and advanced Japanese books that came with the set and I realized that Japanese is not as easy as I had thought it’d be. I’m not sure what this realization mean to me. Am I daunted? Or is it a “challenge accepted” kind of deal? We’ll see. I also ran out of flashcards to write down the vocabularies with so I had to stop by the local Dollar Tree after my workout at the gym. It’s your typical day. I was right in my decision to stay off the internet for good. The only time I ever felt a trigger was when browsing Tumblr/reddit/9gag and those NSFW posts shows up. I recognized that the relapsing cogs were in motion within my psyche so I quickly moved on and didn’t dawdle with those posts. I got work tomorrow at 7AM. Hopefully I can finish chapter 7 before going to bed. These days I go to bed quite early for someone my age. (11PM)

     

  14. PMO Free: Day 1 (antsy-ness and disappointment)

    So usually I don’t blog much on Tumblr because there isn’t anything worthwhile to write a blog about. Ever since I started using Tumblr, I vowed never to be a reblogging hoar. So far, I’m keeping the reblogging to a minimum; only ever reblogging things that I feel represents me in some sense. Anyhow, let’s get to the meat and potatoes.

    Yeah, I’m restarting the quitting PMO blog. I’ve tried so many methods of quitting PMO such as using counters, reddit, excel spreadsheet counting, etc. I’m sticking to Tumblr updates from now on. Somehow, I always seem to throw all the progress away when things get too intense. It took a while but I finally realized the real culprit to my failures. It’s the fucking internet. Seriously. It’s way too big and there are too many routeways that one can take to view the “stuff”. It always starts with me surfing something non-P related and the comments would have something peculiar. Eventually, the breadcrumb trails end at a site and at the point I’m pretty much done with. Relapsing happens and the shit feeling follows quickly afterwards.

    "Why? Why do you keep doing this? To what avail do you hope to achieve by doing this? You’re only hurting yourself." It fucking sucks. The voice of reason is always muffled away in my time of need and it comes back once I’m wounded and bruised. I have to fight it. I’m slowly becoming the very people that I despise the most. Who you might ask? LAZY and COMPLACENT people. People that blames others for their shortcomings. People that accept their fate and let their life be easily swayed by their circumstances. People that have many doors opened to them but instead of going through the doors they would rather admire the doorknob at how shiny it looks gleaming in the sunlight.

    Please. I hate myself. The current me. The me that make mental plans on how to be productive but does not follow up and just sleep/watch YT videos all day. Enough is enough. I am so damn tired of not being in control of my life. It isn’t me who’s suffering either. It’s my mom. I’m all she’s got and I don’t interact with her like I used to. It’s apparent that my warmth towards her hasn’t been as full as before. I’d say it’s at 48%. I care enough to not cause her trouble and make her sad, but not enough to go out of my way to make her happy. This can’t be right. I know it isn’t right.

    I am feeling very stunted right now in term of my emotional development. Perhaps even stunted in my maturity. I have a huge suspicion that all this time, I’ve confused cynicism with maturity. I’ve let myself become so jaded that it is impossible for me to smile at someone without some internal monologue regarding my suspicion of them. Is this who I want to become? Some NEET that is suspicious of everyone? I already know the answer before asking that question. It was rhetorical. A re-emphasis if you will. I think I need to take a step back and do a complete disk de-fragmentation of myself. I’ve let myself become so jaded and corrupted. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t even feel alive. I feel like I’m just occupying a vessel. Everything feel so “out-of-body”.

    So, as a result. I will do this to its entirety. I will give a rating system on how I’m feeling, my productivity, and whatever else I feel like including in my blog updates. They’ll be daily updates. Not all days will have equal content. Some will have more content than others. I’m done with being complacent and not taking control of my life. No matter how hard it gets, I have to fight it. It’s the only way I can be alive in my own skin. I will be severely reducing my time on the internet and the computer as a whole. I’ll only go on to check up on some anime and to play a few League games with friends. Oh and updating this of course. That’s the extent of it. I am so done with everything that’s gone wrong with my life due to being complacent.

    Happiness: 30/100

    Urges: 15/100

    Productivity: 5/100

    Resolve: 95/100

     
  15. My jam

    (Source: shojogifs, via dorirupanchi)