1. PMO Free: Day 42 (Errands take up so much time)

    Happiness: 40/100
    Urges: 31/100
    Productivity: 40/100
    Resolve: 87/100

    I’m pretty much an errand boy for my mom. I mean I don’t mind since she got me my car. It’s just that it takes up so much time from what I want to do. I can’t work on Project Gumiho that much because of the errands. She doesn’t wanna drive so I have to drive her everywhere. Dunno, I just wish I got a little more time.

    As for PMO, it’s business as usual. Urges has gone down. My mood is better now than it was yesterday.

     

  2. PMO Free: Day 41 (Never felt so down in a long time)

    Happiness: 22/100
    Urges: 33/100
    Productivity: 1/100
    Resolve: 86/100

    So today (8/26) is my birthday. I don’t know what it is but I’m always depressed when my birthday comes around. I feel this way because of my lack of anybody that I could definitively call a friend. All of my friends are what you can consider as acquaintance++. Meaning they’re more than normal acquaintances but not yet a ‘friend’. I don’t know. I think my standards for how a friend should act/be like are too high.  I used to have good friends. Then I had to move to Cali. Maybe it’s also due to my personality. I’m difficult to get to know at first but once I open up, I go ham. But there’s always a silver lining. I’m glad that I was able to live another year to experience my birthday again. 365 days is a long time between successive birthdays and lots can happen in the time in between.

    With a drop in mood, my urges followed suit as well as my motivation to be productive. It’s just how it works I guess. I’m so disgusted at how us humans are so predominantly controlled by our emotions. I guess we just aren’t evolved enough to act independent of our emotions.

     

  3. PMO Free: Day 40 (Anything worthwhile is hard at first)

    Happiness: 37/100
    Urges: 50/100
    Productivity: 75/100
    Resolve: 87/100

    I realized that the reason many people quit their goals/hobbies prematurely is because the process of learning new things is an uphill battle from the start. There are a myriad of elements to learn when you’re diving into something new. It’s just the nature of it. You’ve never done it before and therefore are out of your comfort zone. Essentially, you’re alienating yourself intentionally in hopes of acquiring new experiences and sometimes even gaining useful skills. However, the alienation v. gain ratio is different for everybody. Some people don’t have to exit their comfort zone as much and will still gain as much experience as others who have to be completely out of their comfort zone. This is the cause of why people fail and/or give up on their goals. If you’re to keep on the path and work through all the hardships then you will be awarded with the experience you seek. This of course relates to nofap, no doubt. I was practicing C++ intensely and I broke a “plateau”; so to speak. I realized that programming isn’t as hard as I thought it’d be and looking back, I’m way wayyy better now than I was a year ago. It’s crazy. The incremental changes go unnoticed and it isn’t apparent that you’ve made progress until you compare yourself in a larger time span.

     

  4. PMO Free: Day 39 (Praise is not something I’m used to receiving)

    Happiness: 47/100
    Urges: 61/100
    Productivity: 40/100
    Resolve: 86/100

    Today I had an early morning shift. It’s an “open” shift. Surprisingly, I was not tired for it. I had a closing shift the night before and didn’t get out until 10:45pm. I had to go back in at 8am. Not a lot of time. But I managed it.I was doing whatever work my manager was telling me and I worked as best as I could. When the manager was leaving, she said that I was doing good work. Out of the blue. I’m not sure if she said that just to boost my morale or something, but I’ll take it. It feels nice to be recognized for something. The work was menial and wasn’t that difficult, but I guess I must’ve lived up to her work standards in one way or another.

    I realized that what my body needs is a good night’s rest. I’ve been getting interrupted sleep. I don’t get much rest. Perhaps 5 or 6 hours tops. No wonder my body just seem to want to shut down after I eat something. It’s trying to make up for the deficit. My habit of listening to podcasts and/or YouTube personalities talking and lulling me to sleep is taking a toll on me. I realize that even though I’m not consciously processing the information, my brain is still doing work in the background and not resting like it should. I quit this habit last night and this morning woke up feeling relatively refreshed. I was well enough to be able to work at almost peak performance efficiency. Also, it’s been over a week since I quit soda and any sugary drinks in general. Tbh, it’s not as hard to quit compared to PMO. Probably because I wasn’t as dependent on it as I was with PMO. But now even PMO seem like a distant challenge. Baby steps. That’s all it takes. One foot in front of the other. One at a time.

     

  5. PMO Free: Day 38 (Perspective and retrospect)

    Happiness: 44/100
    Urges: 57/100
    Productivity: 1/100
    Resolve: 85/100

    I’ve been having frequent bouts of depression/sadness as of late. I’ve been so lethargic and unmotivated. I’m not sure what’s the cause of this. Could it be the effects of flatlining? Hrm. I want to do things and accomplish goals, but my body just does not want to cooperate. Sounds like an excuse, right? It might be. I gotta get over this habit. It’s not a healthy lifestyle.

    I watched some P today. It wasn’t to get off. I just wanted to see if I would fall back into the habit. Good news. I felt nothing. Not a single thing. It all seem so fake now that I’ve been off the stuff for over a month. I actually don’t find it all that appealing now. Like, at all. Been getting random urges again though. Gotta watch out for that.

     

  6. PMO Free: Day 37 (Not as eye-shy as before)

    Happiness: 43/100
    Urges: 35/100
    Productivity: 45/100
    Resolve: 84/100

    As I was heading out to the gym, I saw a cute girl standing near an opened garage door. I assumed that she’s the gf of the dude with the motorcycle inside the garage. Anyhow, I thought she was cute so I gave her a look a smile at her. When she noticed that I was looking at her, she looked away. However, I maintained my eye contact and she glanced back for a second before looking away again. Now I know what the threshold is for creepy-ville, so I looked away after she looked away. Mind you, this exchanging of looks lasted for half a second so it wasn’t exactly a stare-down. But boy do I feel good. Usually when I would approach cute or pretty girls I would shy away from looking at them. But no more. I will enjoy their beauty and let them know; while staying within the bounds of reasonable and not crossing into creepy territory.

     

  7. PMO Free: Day 36 (I’m getting pretty good at automation)

    Happiness: 39/100
    Urges: 36/100
    Productivity: 50/100
    Resolve: 83/100

    Today (8/21) I was scheduled to work the closing shift. If anyone who used to work in retail knows, working the closing shift is the 2nd worst shift. This is because the last minute shoppers have a tendency to cause problems and make it awkward for the employees. Also putting back discarded items to its appropriate shelves is a huge bother. I hate doing that. I’ve been working there for more than 6 months and I still don’t know what items are in which aisles. Can’t you tell I love working there? /sarcasm

    Relatively slow and uneventful day as far as PMO is concerned. All’s quiet in the western flank; so to speak. My conversation skills are improving, so that’s something.

     

  8. fullyactivated said: Nice blog you have there.

    Thank you! I’m glad you like it :)

     

  9. PMO Free: Day 35 (Sensitivity is back!)

    Happiness: 37/100
    Urges: 41/100
    Productivity: 60/100
    Resolve: 79/100

    Many years of self abuse, my manhood suffered from insensitivity. Now, I can attest to the sensitivity coming back. At first i thought it was a minor infection or something. However, there doesn’t seem to be any redness or particulates in that area. Everything seems to be in working order. It’s kinda funny actually. It’s been so long since I felt sensitivity there that I thought that something is wrong with it. Haha.

     

  10. PMO Free: Day 34 (Went to see a movie)

    Happiness: 39/100
    Urges: 45/100
    Productivity: 40/100
    Resolve: 77/100

    My mood was elevated today. My friend was getting off of work and he wanted to see if I wanted to grab dinner with him (no homo). I decided to accept his offer. Why not right? It doesn’t hurt to get out of the house and this was my excuse to do so. Mind you, I’m not the type of person to go out without a purpose. I don’t really have much motivation to take random walks around the neighborhood. Anyhow, he had wanted to go to a Pho place and found a location close to where he and I live; relatively. Turns out it was a vegetarian place. LOOOL. That dinner was a healthy one. I felt it was a little too healthy. We went to the movies afterwards to see Lucy. We were a tad bit early but that’s good. it was good timing. I felt the need to offset the healthy meal with some buttered popcorn. Gotta have balance in one’s life, right? ;). Lucy was pretty good. Very Madoka-esque towards the ending. A lot of it is BS but hey it’s a movie. It’s supposed to be entertaining. And entertaining it was. Scarlet Johannson can act.

    Because of the excursion, I didn’t feel the urges as much as before. I was happier. All is well today.

     

  11. PMO Free: Day 33 (Errands all day everyday)

    Happiness: 34/100
    Urges: 51/100
    Productivity: 1/100
    Resolve: 73/100

    I have absolutely no time to do anything by myself because I’m constantly driving my mom around for her errands. Not that I mind, but it takes up a lot of time that I could be using doing other things. I resumed my gym going after a 1 month hiatus. Needless to say, I’m not in the same shape I was when I stopped going. But at least I don’t have to start at the bottom, which is nice? I’m gonna start doing cycling exercises. Just running gets stale quick.

    As for the PMO thing. I’ve cut out PMO from my life and at this point it feels like it wasn’t even a part of my life. I finally see that PMO was a useless habit and it need not be a part of anyone’s life. For far going strong. Urges have subsided and I’m feeling a little better. Maybe that’s because of the exercise? Who knows.

     

  12. PMO Free: Day 32 (People are really shitty sometimes)

    Happiness: 33/100
    Urges: 74/100
    Productivity: 20/100
    Resolve: 69/100

    I had work again today. It was an “opening” time slot so the work load wasn’t as bad. There are moments when things become a little too hectic and I sorta felt overwhelmed. There were a few particular moments today at work that really solidifies my intention to quit soon. One of which was a woman that was causing drama at the checkout line in front of all the other customers. She wanted to exchange something but she didn’t have a receipt with her. I told her that it’s against company policy to process an exchange without a receipt. She goes on and on about how she sees people shoplift all the time and that we never do anything about it. She then goes on about how its ridiculous how we’re treating her with such drama instead of going after the shoplifters. Tough fucking shit. Dollar Tree is a discount store, not a luxury boutique. The items stolen are worth $1, sometimes less. It’s not worth the effort going after the shoplifters and filing a police report. Those are all accounted for when the think tanks did the numbers for running a corporation such as Dollar Tree. As for the exchange policy, wtf. It’s not like Dollar Tree is any different from other stores. You need a receipt to do anything with an item. It’s a legally binding document of ownership. No receipt, no go. This customer held up the line and gave me so much shit about it. I’m about 99% done with working there. I’m gonna look around for a different job and see where that takes me.

    As for PMO, depression is still there. Still as unproductive as ever. I read some programming stuff today though so it’s better than the previous days. I need to get my shit together. I’m getting too comfortable with my current state of living. once you get comfortable, you start to slack. I feel the slacking.

     

  13. PMO Free: Day 31 (It gets worse and worse…)

    Happiness: 34/100
    Urges: 89/100
    Productivity: 1/100
    Resolve: 67/100

    I’m not sure what’s going on. My emotions and feelings are a mess right now. I’m having massive bouts of near relapse urges. It’s been so hard lately. I’ve been in such a shitty mood and not as productive. I don’t feel like doing anything. Is this the symptoms of having withdrawals?

     

  14. PMO Free: Day 30 (A whole new world)

    Happiness: 40/100
    Urges: 88/100
    Productivity: 1/100
    Resolve: 69/100

    Today marks the beginning of a whole new world. In the past, whenever I would try to quit P,M, and O, the longest streak I ever achieved was 30 days. That was when I was senior in high school. 4 years later, I have accomplished it once more. But this time however, I am much more experienced and knowledgeable about the dangers of PMO. The damage has been done, but I do not fret. I can still make the best of what I have and live the rest of my life with purpose. Not as productive, once again, today. Flat lining is too strong. But I will get through this.

     

  15. PMO Free: Day 29 (I think I might’ve gotten hit on, but…)

    Happiness: 39/100
    Urges: 87/100
    Productivity: 1/100
    Resolve: 67/100

    So when I was working the register today at my local Dollar Tree, I wasn’t expecting to be hit on. At least I think that was the case. I’m not very keen or experienced with these sort of things. Anyhow, I was going about my job duties as usual. It happened fast and I couldn’t comprehend what was going on until it was too late. I was ringing up this particular customer and they seemed very anxious for some reason. I’ve dealt with such customers before. I usually assume they’re in a hurry or on drugs or something. No joke, I’ve encountered junkies/druggies at the store before. I’ve seen a lot of shit. So yeah, ringing this customer up per usual when all of a sudden they’re talking to me in a more than cordial manner. I just passed it off, once again, due to the anxiousness. I responded accordingly and thought nothing of it. Then, when the customer finished paying and was walking out the door, they said “I’ll be here till 2AM”. Wut. if you haven’t guessed by now with my avoiding of pronouns that this customer was male. I have no idea why he would include that little bit of information in as he was leaving. At the time I just responded “Good to know!”. I even gave him a thumbs up. Hindsight is a bitch huh? I hadn’t realized what was happening until he was gone. Then I was like OHHHHHHH. I was so oblivious. Also, this made me feel kind of bad. I have a feeling homosexual individuals have a much harder time finding an SO in real life because unless they’re the flamboyant type, then they can’t be overly obvious about it. As I went along my day I analyzed the encounter I had with this guy some more and it made more sense. His anxiousness probably was some form of attraction or something and he didn’t know how to grab my attention (in THAT way). Never had I been hit on by a homosexual person. Not that I mind. Heck, he might’ve just been nice and wanted me to know in case something happens that I can go to him and have him deal with it; since he’s a security detail of the plaza I was working at. So bizarre.

    As for the PMO situation, it’s getting so hard lately. My mood took a major nose dive, my urges skyrocketed, and motivation and productivity dropped along with the mood. My body is probably at its limit. Good, then I’ll use this opportunity to define a new limit.